United Stated

Here is why I was waiting to write United's obituary: why write only this year's when I can write next year's and the year after's too?

Dave Kasper will return as general manager, club president Kevin Payne said. "I still believe that Dave understands that job better than anyone else in the league. Dave manages the salary cap, the league rules, which are very complicated, and our technical department. He is involved in presenting [roster] options to our coaches and generally Dave, Chad [Ashton, the technical director] and the coaches would all talk about those options. In the case of bigger players, I get involved. In terms of broader strategy, I get involved. But it would not be accurate to categorize it as, 'Well, Dave picked the team and it didn't perform well.' At the end of the day, the technical staff has the most weight in deciding the players."

Apparently I should have been calling Chad [Ashton, the technical director] the motherfucking dumbfuck responsible for this six year descent into clusterfuckery. I'd thank Kevin "Mr Accountability" Payne for identifying the scapegoat, but then I remember who signs Chad [Ashton's checks.

On Boskovic, Payne said: "Our sense is that Boskovic's best position for us is central, although he has clearly demonstrated for his national team that he can play effectively out wide; he's not a heels-on-the-touchline wide player - he tends to commit to the channels a bit more - but he's such a smart and good player technically, we expect more out of him. This year he was trying to figure the league out, and frankly in too many games, he didn't have good enough players around him."

And whose fault, Chad [Ashton, is that?

United does not plan to sign any additional designated players. "In the absence of new investment, it is unlikely," said Payne, referring to owner Will Chang's pursuit of partners. Midfielder Branko Boskovic is a DP and under contract in 2011. Big-name DPs aren't necessarily essential to success (re: Real Salt Lake, Columbus, Colorado).

That in itself is fine - I'm OK not being DPed - but combined with this:

On the stadium search, Payne said: "It's possible we will have more information before the end of the year, but it may drag on into next year."

May? And this:

On Chang's search for investors, Payne said: "We've had real conversations with interested people but nothing is imminent."

 and this:

In the club's financial health while remaining at RFK Stadium: "It is a challenging place to try to do business in a modern sports environment. It's hard for us to be financially successful and challenges us financially the longer we go without certainty on a stadium in our future."

I'd say these are things club presidents say when signaling (a) the suck will continue into the foreseeable future and (b) if ever the economy improves enough that another city will take United it won't take long for United to pack. I'd say when an owner keeps a proven failure at club president, a proven failure at general manager, a proven failure at technical director rather than seek to improve his product he's signaling (a) he'd sell this motherfucker for dimes on the dollar and (b) in a nanosecond.

UPDATE!

MLS Commissioner Don Garber, on United's future: "It is going to require an expanded ownership group -- Will Chang is very open to that, and bringing in a local investor -- and it will require a soccer-specific stadium or a stadium that this team controls. We're in a bit of a holding pattern, anxiously awaiting the electoral process [mayor's race] to go through. Hopefully the club will be able to sit down with new leadership and continue to tell their story as to why keeping D.C. United in D.C. is good for the community. It's D.C. United, and I'd love to see it stay here in the District. But if we can't get a solution to the stadium, we can't stay here and we'll have to look to other options."

DCU President Kevin Payne: "We're waiting for the results of the financial feasibility study in Baltimore [probably next month] and we're working with a couple of developers in D.C. to try to explore a site. We hope to have serious discussions with the District once the election has passed and the presumptive mayor [Vincent Gray] gets a chance to get his transition under control."

Fuck-Me Jig, mofos, Fuck-Me Jig. And no, Baltimore doesn't get a full Fuck-Me Jig, just a half Fuck-Me Jig, not that United will be moving to Baltimore anyway.