Friday, May 31, 2013

Well, Monumental Isn't the Word, but... I Put a Lot of Thought into It, Dave

The month of birthdays end on a High Egoslavian Holy Day, Chris Elliott, fifty-three today, one of only a few people born after me that gets an Egoslavian Holy Day. Twenty years give or take before I remembered that gag after two weeks of blogging ten years ago and made it Official Anthem of Autoblogography, Theme Song of Bleggalgazing and Apex of Fine Metaphors Abounding I harshed my lungs on a bong hit of very good Colombian laughing at the line in this post's title the first time I saw the skit, it makes me giggle like the first time each time. It is without doubt the most posted youtube on all iterations of this blog the past ten years (people can vouch, including one who may have been in the same room at the same time I harshed my lungs). I wouldn't be surprised if I don't comprise at a minimum 10% of that youtubes 8K+ views.

To celebrate the Holiest Day of Brazen Self-Indulgence and Ritual Revelations of Brazen Motives of Sloppy Look-at-Me-Fuckers as Superior Bleggal Sophistication (plus, for the accountant in me, the End of Bleggal Year 12-13 and the Start of Bleggal Year 13-14), one of this blog's most posted songs ever, one of the most posted poems ever, one of the most posted songs ever:


Christopher Smart

For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry.
For he is the servant of the Living God, duly and daily serving him.
For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in his way.
For is this done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant
For then he leaps up to catch the musk, which is the blessing of God upon
     his prayer.
For he rolls upon prank to work it in.
For having done duty and received blessing he begins to consider himself.
For this he performs in ten degrees.
For first he looks upon his forepaws to see if they are clean.
For secondly he kicks up behind to clear away there.
For thirdly he works it upon stretch with the forepaws extended.
For fourthly he sharpens his paws by wood.
For fifthly he washes himself.
For sixthly he rolls upon wash.
For seventhly he fleas himself, that he may not be interrupted upon the beat.
For eighthly he rubs himself against a post.
For ninthly he looks up for his instructions.
For tenthly he goes in quest of food.
For having considered God and himself he will consider his neighbor.
For if he meets another cat he will kiss her in kindness.
For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it a chance.
For one mouse in seven escapes by his dallying.
For when his day's work is done his business more properly begins.
For he keeps the Lord's watch in the night against the adversary.
For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring
For he counteracts the Devil, who is death, by brisking about the life.
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him.
For he is of the tribe of Tiger.
For the Cherub Cat is a term of the Angel Tiger.
For he has the subtlety and hissing of a serpent, which in goodness      he suppresses.
For he will not do destruction if he is well-fed, neither will he spit
     without provocation.
For he purrs in thankfulness when God tells him he's a good Cat.
For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.
For every house is incomplete without him, and a blessing is lacking in the
For the Lord commanded Moses concerning the cats at the departure of      the Children of Israel from Egypt.
For every family had one cat at least in the bag.
For the English Cats are the best in Europe.
For he is the cleanest in the use of his forepaws of any quadruped.
For the dexterity of his defense is an instance of the love of God
     to him exceedingly.
For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature.
For he is tenacious of his point.
For he is a mixture of gravity and waggery.
For he knows that God is his Saviour.
For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion.
For he is of the Lord's poor, and so indeed is he called by benevolence
     perpetually—Poor Jeoffry! poor Jeoffry! the rat has bit thy throat.
For I bless the name of the Lord Jesus that Jeoffry is better.
For the divine spirit comes about his body to sustain it in complete cat.
For his tongue is exceeding pure so that it has in purity what it wants in music.
For he is docile and can learn certain things.
For he can sit up with gravity, which is patience upon approbation.
For he can fetch and carry, which is patience in employment.
For he can jump over a stick, which is patience upon proof positive.
For he can spraggle upon waggle at the word of command.
For he can jump from an eminence into his master's bosom.
For he can catch the cork and toss it again.
For he is hated by the hypocrite and miser.
For the former is afraid of detection.
For the latter refuses the charge.
For he camels his back to bear the first notion of business.
For he is good to think on, if a man would express himself neatly.
For he made a great figure in Egypt for his signal services.
For he killed the Icneumon rat, very pernicious by land.
For his ears are so acute that they sting again.
For from this proceeds the passing quickness of his attention.
For by stroking of him I have found out electricity.
For I perceived God's light about him both wax and fire.
For the electrical fire is the spiritual substance which God sends from heaven
     to sustain the bodies both of man and beast.
For God has blessed him in the variety of his movements.
For, though he cannot fly, he is an excellent clamberer.
For his motions upon the face of the earth are more than any other quadruped.
For he can tread to all the measures upon the music.
For he can swim for life.
For he can creep.


  1. YOU are a mixture of gravity and waggery!

  2. Chris Elliot has one of his most memorable film roles as a cameraman in "Groundhog Day", one of my most watched movies ever. And speaking of poems about cats, here's my most posted poem ever (you may have seen it before, admittedly):

    This is your Pau – what a great cat
    Enjoy your Pau and love him like that

    Groove with the rhythm, bopping down the block
    move his paws and tail as he go hip-hop

    Purr at the neighbor, purr at the sky
    Life is a blessing – why ask why

    Energy moving his fur and bones –
    This is his life – this is his home

    Something good happen – maybe soon
    Maybe next week – maybe next June

    Count all your blessings – let go of strife
    This is your Pau – treasure his life