Wednesday, July 2, 2014

We Studied the Protocol for Astronaut Removal the Minute We Saw His Spit Hit Planet Earth on the Spaceship Window

That's new Pere Ubu. >>Standard Pere Ubu/MSADI5G noise<< Rest of monologue on USMNT/Soccer, there are some very good links below the next song, if you don't want the soccer (and the majority of you don't want the soccer) please scroll down, the links are good.

Belgium is better, has better players, it's not even close. The USMNT had a chance to win, zero-zero in stoppage, a ball on Wondolowski's foot in front of an open goal, he gacked the sitter, he will be waking up screaming in the middle of the night the rest of his life. Let me be the zillionth person to note that but for Tim Howard's spectacular goal-keeping the scone would not have been zero-zero in stoppage. Once Belgium scored their second goal in extra-time I resorted to brazen Baal-taunting: I turned off the TV to go out to dinner in order to spark one of the most remarkable extra-time comebacks in World Cup history (people can vouch this is true), and from what Tommy Smith yelled through my car radio speakers it should have happened but Dempsey gacked a sitter. I tried my best.

2016 is the Centennial Copa America, hosted by USA, the first time CONMEBOL has invited CONCACAF to the tournament.* Klinsmann was widely criticized when he said the USMNT could not win this World Cup. I think he thinks - and correctly - that a deep run in Copa 2016 is possible, certainly more probable than a deep run in this World Cup, and I think he thinks - and correctly - that WC 2014 is the beginning of the build to Copa 2016 and World Cup 2018. He learned - I'm sure he knew - that midfield is the problem. I'm not going to make Michael Bradley the scapegoat (though his suck was stunning) - the midfield as a whole was the great USMNT weakness. I am shocked that Graham Zusi performed so miserably, he's one of the five best players in MLS. Jermaine Jones is old, may make the Copa team, won't make WC 2018. Bedoya is as good as he will ever be, is decent on defense, useless on offense. In a knockout game of the World Cup Klinsmann chose a central defender to be holding midfielder (I don't know why: Beckerman had been good, someone speculated on twitter that Klinsmann wanted Beckerman, sitting on a yellow, available for the next round, and, um, fuck that). It's true I don't pay attention to MLS as much as once, but I'm not aware the next generation of American midfielders (or strikers, for that matter) is particularly flush. This may be the USMNT's plateau, and that's fine.

As for what WC 2014 means for US soccer re: fan support, American culture, the Left/Right divide in American political discourse, fuck that, quick, join me, escape with me:


Matthea Harvey

If there were gamebirds in our gables,
shouldn’t we shoot them ourselves?
Thus we went glass-faced into glory.   
We had our hearts set on staying here,
so our steps seemed more hesitation
waltz than straight-ahead tango.   
We danced the hokey pokey on holy days—
put your left arm in heaven, your right leg in hell
and in the hubbub of shake-it-all-about,
we didn’t hear the hoofbeats. The illuminati
spoke to us over the intercom via interpreters.
Meanwhile we had iodine dribbling from
our wounds and itch mites in our blankets.
Ours was not a job to joke about.   
In the lantern-light, the lawn speckled
with lead looked lovely. We would live this
down by living it up. My pile of looseleaf
was getting smaller—I wrote in margins,   
through marmalade stains, on the backs of maps.   
I put a piece of mica in the microwave and before
the explosion it made the mirage I’d imagined.
I was hoping for a noticeable increase in nutmeats
or a one night stand in the oubliette. I outwept
everyone at the pageant, even the children
from the poorhouse playing possum.
We studied the protocol for astronaut removal
the minute we saw his spit hit planet earth
on the spaceship window. But though the scandal
reverberated round-the-clock, we had to let it
slide. He was up there turning somersaults
while we spun ever-so-slowly below.


  1. speaking of soccer, your efforts (combined with others) made for a very dramatic overtime period - thank you

    speaking of astronauts in earth orbit, i remember fondly

    i wrote, in the comments there

    In honor of Major Jumbo, I would like to share with the Fafosphere my additional verse to John Godfrey Saxe's (1816-1887) famous poem

    Blind Men and an Elephant

    It was six men of Indostan
    To learning much inclined,
    Who went to see the Elephant
    (Though all of them were blind),
    That each by observation
    Might satisfy his mind

    The First approached the Elephant,
    And happening to fall
    Against his broad and sturdy side,
    At once began to bawl:
    God bless me! but the Elephant
    Is very like a wall!

    The Second, feeling of the tusk,
    Cried, Ho! what have we here
    So very round and smooth and sharp?
    To me tis mighty clear
    This wonder of an Elephant
    Is very like a spear!

    The Third approached the animal,
    And happening to take
    The squirming trunk within his hands,
    Thus boldly up and spake:
    I see, quoth he, the Elephant
    Is very like a snake!

    The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
    And felt about the knee.
    What most this wondrous beast is like
    Is mighty plain, quoth he;
    'Tis clear enough the Elephant
    Is very like a tree!

    The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
    Said: Even the blindest man
    Can tell what this resembles most;
    Deny the fact who can
    This marvel of an Elephant
    Is very like a fan!?

    The Sixth no sooner had begun
    About the beast to grope,
    Than, seizing on the swinging tail
    That fell within his scope,
    I see, quoth he, the Elephant
    Is very like a rope!

    The Seventh blind man, staff in hand,
    Upon his bare feet goes.
    I clearly sense, he calmly said,
    And wish for all to know
    The Elephant is warm and squishy
    In between the toes!

    And so these men of Indostan
    Disputed loud and long,
    Each in his own opinion
    Exceeding stiff and strong,
    Though each was partly in the right,
    And all were in the wrong!


    So oft in theologic wars,
    The disputants, I ween,
    Rail on in utter ignorance
    Of what each other mean,
    And prate about an Elephant
    Not one of them has seen!

    -- John Godfrey Saxe

    1. It was my turning off the 2nd half of the 2002 NCAA Tournament championship game between Maryland and Indiana that allowed Terps to pull away in 2nd half to victory. Yet I am still begged by Maryland alum to stop Baal-taunting.

  2. . iren e, the name irene brings to mind for me only one ,the mother of the..few doors down growing up friend, she was not pretty,by another measure of the word .. not , sh' comments and posts in his .. , / i looked in as i do now, last morning , seeing pj , love but no island , my island just a hum , /jul' 1 is our oh ca. day here , i wandered in the too warm to the larger park ,found a place lovely treed canopied and grace ..away from the crowds in , not a bk but some written in hand reviewing , reading , closed my eyes for a moment , opened them ..and some creep/ man was about to take a photo of me sitting in the wooded there ..for his creepy collect , with no asking ..just take , i stood up and walked away , another photo of my hand dusting behind ,.. ag. i tried to sit away in another part of the park , same ..happened ,different creep, /i do nothing to provoke this , a cotton dress ,shorts , pants , summer shoes , no face painting , nothing .., / i came back after walking at length , put on pj ..hustle ..and danced it out in /away from , ..a body scream , thanks for the reminder .. . of pj .. . / and thoughts for the many that don't need to be or want.. , not part of their being not straight , of the parading , no parade , of in town this past week, open/honest , not straight ,not pruding , no parade needed.

  3. Vouch.

    Agreed re the MFBBs. I mean, who can bring a 1st rate EPL footballer like Lukaku off the bench.

    Also too you should now turn your formidable Baal-taunting efforts, as effective as they have been (the 2002 MD exception notwithstanding), to the Nats.

  4. Midfield is the problem. Belgium had four or five guys comfortable on the ball, keeping it, passing it, moving without it. We had one guy, Bradley, whose touch and decision-making seemed less keen than usual. People can hail or damn Klinsmann all they want, but the midfield is the engine room and we are lacking the parts. We need guys who understand space, how to find it, be available for the ball, control it with a first touch, then pass it to another guy you already decided on before you even received the ball. Unless Klinsmann can find guys in midfield with that kind of touch and awareness of space, this IS our plateau, happyscrappypluckylucky warriors punching above our weight until the real heavyweights put us on the ground.