Sunday, February 5, 2017

He Camels His Back to Bear the First Notion of Business

It's the Spurtiest Ickiest Grossest Sloppiest Day of American Nationalist Jerkoffedness in the Mirror of the Year. Fuck you and your helmetball, the finest metaphor abounding.


Christopher Smart

For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry.
For he is the servant of the Living God, duly and daily serving him.
For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in his way.
For is this done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant quickness.
For then he leaps up to catch the musk, which is the blessing of God upon his prayer.
For he rolls upon prank to work it in.
For having done duty and received blessing he begins to consider himself.
For this he performs in ten degrees.
For first he looks upon his forepaws to see if they are clean.
For secondly he kicks up behind to clear away there.
For thirdly he works it upon stretch with the forepaws extended.
For fourthly he sharpens his paws by wood.
For fifthly he washes himself.
For sixthly he rolls upon wash.
For seventhly he fleas himself, that he may not be interrupted upon the beat.
For eighthly he rubs himself against a post.
For ninthly he looks up for his instructions.
For tenthly he goes in quest of food.
For having considered God and himself he will consider his neighbor.
For if he meets another cat he will kiss her in kindness.
For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it a chance.
For one mouse in seven escapes by his dallying.
For when his day’s work is done his business more properly begins.
For he keeps the Lord’s watch in the night against the adversary. 
For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring eyes.
For he counteracts the Devil, who is death, by brisking about the life.
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him.
For he is of the tribe of Tiger.
For the Cherub Cat is a term of the Angel Tiger.
For he has the subtlety and hissing of a serpent, which in goodness he suppresses.
For he will not do destruction if he is well-fed, neither will he spit without provocation.
For he purrs in thankfulness when God tells him he’s a good Cat.
For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.
For every house is incomplete without him, and a blessing is lacking in the spirit.
For the Lord commanded Moses concerning the cats at the departure of the Children of Israel 
            from Egypt.
For every family had one cat at least in the bag.
For the English Cats are the best in Europe.
For he is the cleanest in the use of his forepaws of any quadruped.
For the dexterity of his defense is an instance of the love of God to him exceedingly.
For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature.
For he is tenacious of his point.
For he is a mixture of gravity and waggery.
For he knows that God is his Saviour.
For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest. 
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion. 
For he is of the Lord’s poor, and so indeed is he called by benevolence perpetually--Poor Jeoffry!
            poor Jeoffry! the rat has bit thy throat.
For I bless the name of the Lord Jesus that Jeoffry is better. 
For the divine spirit comes about his body to sustain it in complete cat.
For his tongue is exceeding pure so that it has in purity what it wants in music.
For he is docile and can learn certain things.
For he can sit up with gravity, which is patience upon approbation.
For he can fetch and carry, which is patience in employment.
For he can jump over a stick, which is patience upon proof positive.
For he can spraggle upon waggle at the word of command.
For he can jump from an eminence into his master’s bosom.
For he can catch the cork and toss it again.
For he is hated by the hypocrite and miser.
For the former is afraid of detection. 
For the latter refuses the charge.
For he camels his back to bear the first notion of business.
For he is good to think on, if a man would express himself neatly.
For he made a great figure in Egypt for his signal services.
For he killed the Icneumon rat, very pernicious by land.
For his ears are so acute that they sting again.
For from this proceeds the passing quickness of his attention.
For by stroking of him I have found out electricity.
For I perceived God’s light about him both wax and fire.
For the electrical fire is the spiritual substance which God sends from heaven to sustain the 
            bodies both of man and beast.
For God has blessed him in the variety of his movements.
For, though he cannot fly, he is an excellent clamberer.
For his motions upon the face of the earth are more than any other quadruped.
For he can tread to all the measures upon the music.
For he can swim for life.
For he can creep.


  1. The Bears' mauling of The Pats in XX was the theretofore highlight of my helmetball pre-apostasy existence. Images of Wilbur Marshall scooping up a fumble vs. the Giants as it then began to snow, Payton's epic runs, or McMahon's storied comebacks, they all gave me goosebumps for years to come. My Howard Cosell moment came when I heard Dave Duerson had shot himself in the chest to preserve his brain for study. It didn't take Junior Seau's following suit to make me never watch again. It's a good thing, too. If I were to watch today's spectacle at, say, a Super Bowl party, I'd be the dickhead who ruins it for everybody.

    I thank you. My mother thanks you.

  2. Not watching the tribal rite. I'm sure it will get me driven out on the Long Walk, but have long ceased to care.

    Will watch "The Book Thief" and remember an uncle who stayed behind when one half of the family emigrated here. Post-Adolf, he wasn't a fan of anything with large crowds.

    I will mention Lorie Anderson's Heart Of A Dog.

    1. The DG in tag is for dog. I love dogs. The usefulness of Death to the Either/Or are cases like this. Once one of us retires so the dog isn't alone in the house for ten hours, we're going rescuing.

  3. Yes; in all particulars. My apologies; I need a vacation from America.

    1. Nah, on me. Either the Either/Ors are killing me or the Either/Ors are killing me.

  4. I find adorably life-affirming the relationship between cat & dog who've acclimated themselves to their domestic co-existence. This in me originally arrived as phenom, in that the mere exposure to pre-K cartoonery fixed an entirely different notion in my head.