Friday, March 15, 2019

Because We Are So Stupid the Prizes in Cracker Jacks Are Now Paper

  • I've a new pencil-sharpener, gave Earthgirl my blue cylinder on Eastern Shore past weekend
  • now own a  bright pink double razored trapezoid (one barrel for regular pencils, the second for drawing pencils, I have no drawing pencils in the creel I at this very minute permit myself)
  • couldn't see the shavings in the blue cylinder can see the shavings in the bright pink trapezoid
  • do I want to watch poop accumulate or open poop hatch and be surprised
  • the purchase forced me to open the pencil tablet
  • I'm blank
  • instead of a photo of the new pencil-sharpener here's a new PhotOlive

  • A future without fossil fuels?
  • Life in the Crackerocene, and fuck their imaginary friend White Cracker Jesus
  • I think the Democratic Party'd run 1K identical fucks in hope of diluting to death Sanders' planks
  • Parables for dummies
  • The Century of Spin
  • Born free
  • DS9, Season One, Episode Four: the first of 1K episodes of O'Brien's Agonies, screeeeeeech (I
  • do appreciate the Vediks telling me the third time through the series is when I'll orb it)
  • DS9, Season One, Episode Three: Kira proves her neoliberal creds

  • Woke up with this in my head:


Dean Young

Because we are so stupid,
the prizes in Cracker Jacks are now paper
so they can be swallowed, ladders
spackled with warnings. No getting
within a hundred feet of Stonehenge because
everyone wants to hack off a souvenir
and the way home is clogged to one lane
so whoever wants to can stare into a pothole
until coming up with a grievance. I’d vote
the greatest accomplishment of mankind
is the pickle spear. God created paradise
to tell us Get out! which is why we probably
created God who doesn’t much like being created
by ilk like us. No wonder it’s pediatrics
every morning and toxicology by happy hour.
Is it all in the mind, the dirty, dirty mind?
Maybe God tried to turn you into a garbage can
so you could be lifted by the truck’s hydraulic
arms and banged empty. Maybe a snow cone
so you could be sticky-sweet and dropped.
Maybe a genital-faced bivalve to be dashed
with Tabasco and eaten whole or, to his glory,
produce a pearl.


  1. a)that's a good-looking cat

    b)the prizes in Cracker Jacks

    our friends at wikipedia tell us

    The prizes attained pop-culture status with the catch-phrase "came in a Cracker Jack box," particularly when applied sarcastically to engagement and wedding rings of dubious investment value. Under Frito-Lay, toy and trinket prizes were replaced with paper prizes displaying riddles and jokes, then temporary tattoos. In 2013, some prizes became codes for people to play "nostalgic" games on the Cracker Jack app through Google Play for Android-powered devices. The announcement was made in 2016 that these gameplays would replace tangible prizes.

  2. Coincidentally, here at the Place O' Witless Labor, someone left two boxes of Crackerjack out on the counter in the area created for us to microwave food, and read messages about State and Federal Law governing employment. The expiration date on the two boxes was February 28 of this year, so I felt moderately confident that I would not become sickened or die if I ate either of them.

    The Crackerjack packaging has a truncated version of the same kid-in-the-sailor-suit and his Loyal Pooch as ever (and they have names: 'Jack', and 'Bingo'), but the box isn't as colorful as the treat I remember from long ago. Red, Blue and Yellow were the principal colors, and the prizes were actual small toys, working compasses, even small booklets.

    I opened one box (it's still difficult to push your thumb into the spot marked 'Push And Tear Off Top'); the Crackerjack at least tastes the same, but the prize referred you to a website for digital fun, and was not a toy or useful item -- looking at the box, I assumed it was because small items could become choking hazards for children, like Jack in his sailor suit, or even Bingo, his Loyal Pooch. And as an added benefit, I did not sicken or die, later -- though some are doubtless disappointed in that turn of affairs, while others may not.